On self-understanding and living an authentic existence

By S N Smith July 22, 2025

If I wait to be understood by others then I am going to wait a very long time. I barely can understand myself so how can I expect others to understand me?

I find it exhausting trying to live up to the expectations of others. If people all had the same expectations of me at least it would be, at least in theory, much easier. But the fact of the matter is that there is no agreement regarding this. No matter how accommodating and charitable I have been toward others in the past, I have still faced a lot of criticism and have beeb unjustly characterized. Some people have just simply stopped talking to me all together even though I have no idea why they chose to do so. All this has been very hurtful.

And thus it becomes a fact that no matter what I do I am going to displease someone or elicit some negative reaction. I may be even told that I should not think or feel the way I do. But if I allow that to bother me then I am going to remain frozen and not be able to accomplish anything in life but stay in one place. So I must risk taking action even if that action offends the sensibilities of others and violates their idea of what I ought to do or how I ought to be.

Obsessing over the expectations of others is like being in a trap with no way of escape. It is like living somebody else's life instead of my own.

Having to act or be in this world in a certain way so as to gain the acceptance of others and be admitted into their company while at the same time having to deny large parts of my existence and who I am as a person on the inside is exhausting. I feel, at times, like a full-blown hypocrite. I cannot share my most intimate feelings with others because if I do I fear that I am going to be subjected to judgment, ridicule and even censor. Thus, I hold things in. As a result, the very community from which I seek support and protection is the very same community that I have to hide myself from. And this is all done with the view to self-preservation.

I find myself having to nod my head in agreement with many things even though inwardly I am saying “no, I do not agree with that position at all because it goes against everything that I believe.”

I do not want to be seen as a contrary or difficult person so I just nod my head and say yes.

To be honest, in the past I have taken the openly contrarian route and it has been to my own harm and I had to learn a very hard lesson. I have to go along in order to get along. But in that going along, I am denying large pieces of myself and have to pretend to be something that I am not.

Trying to explain this with words is not always easy. It is like trying to explain the taste of salt to someone who has never tasted it before. What can I compare salt to in order to create an image in a person's mind so that they will understand what salt tastes like? And what examples can I resort to in order to explain how I feel when I am communicating with somebody else? Similitudes are not always easy to conjure up.

In fact, it is easier just to remain silent and have superficial relationships and conversations with people but never really discuss or acknowledging the inner workings of what is taking place inside of me. In essence, much of my conversations with others are superficial at best and those conversations rarely say or reveal anything. I find shallow conversations which talk about nothing to be exhausting and I would rather just remain in solitude.

How I choose to be in this world and the positions that I take are not always palatable to those around me so I make the conscious choice to not share this inner part of myself with anyone but just allow myself to inwardly ruminate. In essence, I become my own community.

If I seek validity from others outside of myself, I have to acknowledge that this may never come. It is important for me to first accept myself for who and what I am regardless of what other people may think of me. I also have to accept the fact that my very existence may actually anger or offend others.

In fact, I should not overly obsess with what other people think of me. Perhaps, they do not think of me at all and thus all of what I have said is moot to begin with. But even as I find it difficult to get into the interiority of others, because most people simply do not share but keep their cards close to their chest, it is also very challenging to look within my own self and find out who and what I really am.

Why is all of this important to begin with? I think it is important because all of us are looking for validation, even if we do not want to openly acknowledge it, yet at the same time we have to come to the realization that this validation may never come.

Living a life of authenticity is not always easy.

shawnsmith1964@gmail.com